Faith

I couldnt sleep last night.
kept hving nightmare after nightmare.
but its no different when i'm awake.
feels like i've plunged to the bottom of depression again.
all i want to do is hide under my blanket the whole night.

i guess as much as i wanted to think i had gotten over it, i hadn't.
i just adapted to being by myself. and nothing more.
everything else still felt the same inside.
and now that the idea that she could be happier with someone else crept up on me again.
and the pain is still as raw as the very first day we broke.

i'm really afraid of losing her. and everything in me is just screaming out,
to run back to her, to break down all the walls of sticks and straws i built up inside, to have her back in my life. i really wish i could.

i feel so desperate now. like a man drowning and using every ounce of his energy to scramble to the top just to breath. i just need her.

but before i let myself regress back to a broken man begging desperately for the love of his life on all fours, i stopped to think.

of all the success stories i've heard, the ones that really worked always involved the lovers splitting up, dating others, and then realising that the one for them had always been that one person. and then they come back together. be it years, decades or what not.

that could be me too. but how would i know? the only way is to have faith. have faith that life works in mysterious ways, and that God might have a fancy plan for you. have faith that the other person misses you just as much and is going through just as much pain as you. have faith that the future has an untold bounty waiting for you.

so after the whole night of restlessness, i guess the best thing i can do now is to just be patient. and wait. "Be fearless. All is in God's hands." I should refer to that more often.

before i go, i would just like to say to her once more.
I love you. I still do. And just know that I will always be here for you.

till next time...