Reaction speed

I gotta control the reaction speed of my feelings.
react too fast. boil too fast.
sure, reaction is good when it comes to the fight.
but i really shud tone it down here. or i'll never get over things.

kk.
sleepy...
shall update on my adventure in vivo tomorrow morning!!!

Circle of life

My mom was talking to me once.
and she told me one thing very interesting.
she said, "Among my children, you remind me the most of myself."

and that made me wonder of course. so i asked how. and she made a list of everything she did when she was a youth and how i am doing the same things now in my own life.

hmmm.... there's a point that i want to bring across. but i cant seem to find the right words to use. so i'll try my best, and hope the meaning comes through.

basically, my mom really has been through the same kind of pain that i have gone through. she said just the other day, "If it weren't for religion, you'd probably have a chinese dad by now."

So i thought about it, and realised that why my mother is so tough on me sometimes in certain aspects is because she's been through the pain before, and she doesnt want me, or the girl, to get hurt. and she'd rather be seen as the bad guy than to let the hurt ever get to me.

but like another trait of my mom, i am stubborn as hell too. hahahaha.... so i still had the experience, and now i've repeated history in a way. so yeah...

lost the train of thought... not sure what i came on to say now either.

haha....

full circle? dont know yet.

To Emily

Always on my mind
------------------------------------------------

Maybe I didn't love you quite as good as I should have,
Maybe I didn't hold you quite as often as I could have,
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time.

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind.

Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times,
And I guess I never told you, I'm so happy that you're mine,
If I made you feel second best,
I'm sorry, I was blind.

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind,

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died,
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied,
If I made you feel second best,
I'm sorry, I was blind.

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind.

Faith

I couldnt sleep last night.
kept hving nightmare after nightmare.
but its no different when i'm awake.
feels like i've plunged to the bottom of depression again.
all i want to do is hide under my blanket the whole night.

i guess as much as i wanted to think i had gotten over it, i hadn't.
i just adapted to being by myself. and nothing more.
everything else still felt the same inside.
and now that the idea that she could be happier with someone else crept up on me again.
and the pain is still as raw as the very first day we broke.

i'm really afraid of losing her. and everything in me is just screaming out,
to run back to her, to break down all the walls of sticks and straws i built up inside, to have her back in my life. i really wish i could.

i feel so desperate now. like a man drowning and using every ounce of his energy to scramble to the top just to breath. i just need her.

but before i let myself regress back to a broken man begging desperately for the love of his life on all fours, i stopped to think.

of all the success stories i've heard, the ones that really worked always involved the lovers splitting up, dating others, and then realising that the one for them had always been that one person. and then they come back together. be it years, decades or what not.

that could be me too. but how would i know? the only way is to have faith. have faith that life works in mysterious ways, and that God might have a fancy plan for you. have faith that the other person misses you just as much and is going through just as much pain as you. have faith that the future has an untold bounty waiting for you.

so after the whole night of restlessness, i guess the best thing i can do now is to just be patient. and wait. "Be fearless. All is in God's hands." I should refer to that more often.

before i go, i would just like to say to her once more.
I love you. I still do. And just know that I will always be here for you.

till next time...

V'day

I never knew my heart still had so much pain left inside.

Letter to self

Dear Farhan,

WAKE UP YOUR FUCKING IDEA!!!!! stop slacking, stop eating, stop sleeping, stop procrastinating, stop being nothing. dont make me come over and bitch slap you to reality. you know very well where this will lead at the pace you're going.

i swear i will kick your ass if you dont do something about this. i wont be the onli angry soul at you. wat happened to all your dreams? remember them. then get back to work bitch.

Love,
yourself.

diagnostics

something is not right with me.
i'm missing something in life.
i wish my life was like a computer. then all i would need to do is run the system restore and everything will be back to the way it was before.

if only.

notes from the past

just did a test on the net.
and one of the things it had to say about me was this.

"In your relationships, you tend to be fiercely loyal and devoted. You often put your friends and family ahead of your work, which doesn't go unnoticed. You may tend to avoid conflict when possible and can even tend to hide your personal pain or hardship because you feel it will burden others. This can cause people to feel shut out from you. Those closest to you are comforted by your selfless and dependable nature."

I find it very true. especially the part where i hide alot of things.
i know someone will agree with me.

alrighty.
back to work.

hmmm...

upon much thinking and reviewing of things, i have concluded my brother is as crazy as me.

woohoo!!

My little brother

today i stumbled unto my younger brothers blog.
and i left a comment.
i hope he doesnt suddenly decide to change blog or anything now that i found it.
haha...
dont ok?
u read mine i read yours.

anyway, upon reading it, it feels like i dont really know my younger brother. the persona i get from reading his blog is very different from what i see at home.
maybe it could be that mask thin that we have when we are in diff groups of people. i do that too. i sure dont act the way i do in school at home. and infront of my brother as well.

or is it because of the anonymous thing about the net that makes my brother show a side of him that we're not very aware off?

hmmm... nothing wrong really. just find it interesting that i read his blog and all. and i wondered if there will ever come a time when i will talk to him like how i talk to friends. vulgarities and crudeness and all.

but i guess not really. farrah has yet to do the same to me. but we see how it goes.
in any case, i love my younger brother very much.

dont forget that ok reza?

haha...